Horrorscopes

sure they're real

The Scope

Libra - Venus enters the house of saturn, using the lockpicking kit mars found in a barcelona pawn shop. She's trying to find you a lover worthy of the breakfast you cook.

Virgo - Unresolved feelings of shamefulness can empower you to shave better than last time. Wear your heart on your sleeve, but don't wear red on Fridays.

Capricorn - The eyelets of Orion's belt are frayed. When his pants fall down, you will find the new career you've been seeking. Trade up and get down.

Sagitarious - The more you go out, the less you will be home. Social occasions provide ample room for flatulence and regret - choose wisely which. Forty-two egg omelet.

Gemini - The holy acronym has s.p.o.k.e.n. - strive to abbreviate those you do not understand. Oppose thumbs.

Taurus - Now is the time to let someone do that one thing that you would never allow. Welcome to the jungle gym, sport.

Cancer - Cranberry ethers waft in a small dark room where you're supposed to be. If you're not there, drop whatever the hell you're doing and go find it. ultimate satisfaction awaits.

Aquarius - Thyme wieghs for no man, but parsley flakes. Pick the last one first next monday. beware erupting flows of hot larvae.

Leo - Your Tony Montana voice notwithstanding, you're no Cuban. Stop letting people cut off your ends and smoke you - it's demeaning to both of us. Say yes to extra boxes.

Gemini - Lie naked in a bed of freshly made popcorn and wait for a friend to come. Spraypaint is the zygote of urban creation.

Pisces - The gargling gargoyle of lust howls at your moon, like a toddler in a tidal wave. Make what you will.

Aries - Stop with the blame game, you know it's all your fault. Be confident in your ignorance and walk faster than you run. Swingers are better pre-paired.

*armed only with an asterisk, he challenged many foes