Horrorscopes

Culled from the hull

The Scope

Libra - You will be canonized soon, so meanwhile just try to keep your fuse dry. A wet afternoon will soak you for a few dollars so don’t keep too much cash on you. Try loafing near your local coffee house for a quick lift to the land of love.
Lucky Disease: Mono

Virgo - Next to collecting cans graffiti is your true calling. Rip down all the Posters in your room and bug your office the day after you read this. Look to my coming on the fourth hour after noon on the fifth day from this moment with the spray can and the smirk, I will inform you then:
Lucky Disease: Acute Something Bad

Capricorn -Your despicable behavior has gotten you into this mess and it’s the only thing that can get you out. Use all out freakiness as your sword and spear on any Arthurian afternoon. Only the fur of the minx will do tonight.
Lucky Disease: Global Warts

Sagitarius -The bit part you have been chomping at the bit for is going to some one else. The child isn’t yours. That rash really needs a professional opinion, avoid the outdoors and television and books and snacks for good luck.
Lucky Disease: Water Boarding

Gemini - Covet the time you spend at Home Depot like a cherished breast plate before the razor sharp spear of life. Now is the time to invest in the martial arts weaponry you’ve been fawning for. You may be adopted so plagiarize this month to embrace the nature of a masked origin. Lucky number 52 pickup.
Lucky Disease: Xenophobia

Taurus - You gave a green light for Groton’s red light district this month. The exotic dancers will treat you well on Mondays and Wednesdays the rest of the week you should be on the black jack table or at the Mobil getting quick pix. The magic ingredient is partially dehydrogenated.
Lucky Disease: Just a Summer Cold

Cancer - Trouble at home is brewing, your monkey thinks evil thoughts in the dark. Paint the house with bright colors to ward off evil spirits. Now is a great time to enlist in the armed forces for the well being of those who don’t accept Jesus.
Lucky Disease: The Pox

Aquarius - Un Toro Lesbiano te molestara. Simply wear a red tie to play matador. A cold spirit will visit you while you are speeding on the highway, it will possess you and implant a special Eagles juke box in your brain. Good luck. Hint: try Chinese food for an early breakfast.
Lucky Disease: Gout

Leo - Pay your bills no more. God is dead. A sharp pain will develop in your dome after you watch the magic number of shows you should never have been watching in the first place. Avoid people.
Lucky Disease: Gunshot Wound

Gemini - Stop ignoring Woody Allen or you will whither and die. Your money is best spent at the arcade, plant what you have left and water every fourth day for good fortune. Stop feeding the geese and start translating their gaggling into verse.
Lucky Disease: Cat Scratch fever

Pisces - Mold is your friend, ignore freshness and expiration dates until you eat the magic mixture. Don’t bother de-seeding if its fireworks you want its fireworks you will get. There is a foul voice on the wind, I think its your aunt.
Lucky Disease: Ear infection

Aries - Ignore three thousand years of history this week, explore all your most primal curiosities. You will be able to make it in front of any car as long as you pull out fast enough. Don’t take red lights seriously after dark.
Lucky Disease: Salmonella

what - you wanna prefer somethin’ else?